fb - ana hepburn
My friend Jon died the other night. He was only 25. His heart just stopped while he was asleep. I don’t think I really believe it yet; as though I’m going to get home from aspen & find him asleep on our couch. He was always over at my apartment, such a good person to talk to. I can’t believe I’m never going to see him again & hug him again.
On top of all of that, I’m still stuck in aspen. All I want is to be at home with my friends right now. I am trying desperately to get out of here, but ive now had 3 flights cancelled, i cant try again for 3 days because all the flights are now so busy. I’m devastaed that I can’t be there, we’ve all spoken on the phone & everyone is very upset. It’s just so important that we’re together right now & it kills me that I can’t be there to cuddle them. Particularly R, Jon has been one of his best mates since high school. I hate that I’m not there for him. Even if we’re not together, he is still one of my best friends & I will always want to be there for him.
I’ve never known anyone who has died before. I’ve never been to a funeral, I don’t think I’m going to do very well.
I hope you’re all safe & well & so are all the people you love. RIP Jon. Xx
Ok. I know I said I would start eating more; ie 600 cals per day. But it’s just not possible. It makes me feel ill at the moment & I hate it.
So the new plan is to start on the new 600 cal plan when I arrive home in Syd in about 4 days because then I can put in the time at the gym so I don’t feel as fat & disgusting with a full stomach.
I know I need to do this to actually have the energy to start losing weight properly again. I will do it! As soon as I get back to Sydney.
So I’m stuck in aspen… All flights out are grounded due to snow storms. I guess I just can’t get back to work… I’ll have to stay here & ski in the new powder instead. ;)
In other news, R seems to be seriously missing me, I really miss him too. He keeps texting me & fb’ing me to tell me he misses me & check when I’m coming home. I always know when he’s drunk because he texts me goodnight before he goes to sleep. It’s all just making it more difficult to believe it’s over.
I hope mother nature is being as good to each of you as she has just been to me!
Shopping for jeans & being newly single has remotivated me to lose more weight.
I’ve also made a big decision. The most weight I’ve ever lost in my life was when I was restricting my calories, but not fasting or aiming for negative calories each day. I was eating about 800 cals each day which gave me the energy to hit the gym properly each day & I was able to stick to it. So that’s what I’m going to do again. Although I think I’ll aim for 650 cals. It’s going to suck at first because I’ll be eating a lot more food, but I do need to speed up my metabolism & find the energy to hit the gym everyday. Then the weight will actually start to fall off at a much faster pace. It will be worth it.
I don’t know how my body is going to react to getting so much more food, or how I will deal without that amazing empty feeling, but I need to make the change for long term results & stay strong. I just hope to god I don’t gain weight.
I loathe shopping for jeans. More than anything in the whole word I hate jean’s shopping. There is no other form of shopping that makes me feel so fat or depressed. ARGH!
I went shopping for jeans yesterday; I hated it. I’m so disgustingly fat. It has given me a massive kick in the ass to lose more weight. Particularly now that I’m single again.
Starve on lovelies. xx
I miss him. In order to distract myself I bought my own valentines day present - a very large collection of new designer lingere from net-a-porter.com I love that website; it is without doubt the best internet shopping in existence.
R did send me a valentines day text message, but I don’t really know why. It makes me feel like it’s not over. I honestly think he has no idea what he wants, I know he’s missing me a lot while i’m in the states.
It’s so difficult not to just think I’m on holidays & it will all be the same when I get home. I have to keep reminding myself it’s really over.
Stay strong my lovelies. xxx
So I’m currently in Aspen for a few weeks skiing & last night I received a text from R who’s back home in Sydney saying that I should go to 501 East Cooper Avenue and talk to someone named Amir who had a little surprise for me.
So I get to 501 and it’s the Ralph Lauren store, and I ask for Amir who tells me R wanted to buy me a present and that I should pick out something that I like and it will all be taken care of!! It was so sweet. I rang R & he said he wanted me to pick out something that I loved in the store, because he wanted me to have something special.
I was like a little kid in a candy shop; I love Ralph Lauren. Anyway I settled on one of the new little hoodies in the RLX range because it was quite cheap & I felt a bit uncomfortable spending his money & a hoodie is something I’m likely to wear around the apartment a lot so he’ll think I really love it because I’m wearing it all the time! There’s no nicer feeling than seeing someone you care about wearing an item that you bought for them.
It’s so difficult to get over the fact that it’s over between us when he’s being so sweet to me. He knows how upset i’ve been & I think he’s just trying to cheer me up a bit, but it makes me miss him.
This does make make the little present I sent him just before I left look a bit small. I sent him a big pack of golfing pranks full of golf balls that explode in the air or vanish when u hit them or turn into streamers, I thought it would help keep him and his best mates amused while I was gone. I know he loved the present, but it’s certainly not Ralph Lauren! Although maybe to him it’s better.
I hope u each receive little surprises from the people you love. Everyone deserves the occasional surprise! xx
Ok. So my fast broke at 5 days after R noticed that and hadn’t eaten anything and cooked me some soup for dinner. Since then I’ve been very good about eating only when people are watching, but I’m still not eating a lot.
I’m currently in aspen with the family which is nice, I know a lot of people have issues with their families or whatever, but I don’t. I love spending time with them and I always enjoy our family ski holidays. The downside is we’re all together in our apartment so we’ll be eating together for almost every meal & going out most nights for dinner, that should make things challenging. I’m going to focus on keeping portion sizes really tiny.
I arrived here last night, everytime I come I am amazed at how beatuiful this place is. It’s stunning & currently magical because it’s snowing! Being here is helping me forget about R for a bit which is a good thing. We had a chat before I left and I feel a bit better about everything, he seems very confused and upset about what he wants. He found out a few weeks ago that his parents are deciding to separate so he’s just a bit lost at the moment. I want to be there for his as a friend at the very least.
I hope you’re all wonderful and feeling a bit happier about life than I am at the moment. Remember, it always works out and there’s always another love around the corner even when your absolutely certain of the opposite, it just wasn’t meant to be. xxxxxx
I just greyed out. It’s been a long time since I’ve had it happen. You know the feeling where all of a sudden u feel really light headed and then it all starts to fade in black as though your about to faint, but the black never quite reaches the centre…. I crouched on the floor and it went off. Now drinking a sugar free red bull to perk myself up. 12 cal, but that’s ok because I burnt 350 @ the gym this morning so my intake is still negative.
The gym was good for me this morning, I just pushed myself until I forgot about everything, including R. I came home and cried in the shower, but it has perked me up a bit - endorphins are so important.
One of the fb girls mentioned to mwe this morning that she does the same thing as me, when something goes wrong the instinct is to stop eating. I hadn’t really thought about it until she said it, but that is exactly what I do. As though not eating will help to fix the situation, it certainly makes me feel better. My hunger pains have been a source of comfort the past few days, that’s probably not a good association. :(
Ha. The only upside to having my heart broken is that this is the easiest fast of my life. I haven’t eaten for 58 hours and I’m not the slightest bit hungry. Plus, the girls who came rushing to my side are being ultra sweet and aren’t even bugging me to eat. Of course I can’t stop crying and I feel like shit, but I might come out of all this feeling better if I loose a few kg’s.
R and I broke up. I can’t stop crying. I look like shit and feel worse. The only good news is that I have absolutely no appetite, my stomach is grumbling and I don’t care. The idea of food makes me sick.
I was just sitting at work, bored as hell and decided to have a quick flick through this years worth of photos on fb (on my true fb account) and I had an amazing moment of self love. I must admit im a very fussy person about the few photos that I leave tagged on fb (10% or so), but I still went through about 300 photos of myself across all sorts of social events throughout 2009 in which im really happy with the way that I look. I have without question lost a lot of weight since the beginning of the year, and I look so happy and gorgeous in all the photos with different friends.
That’s not at all to say that I think I look perfect or couldn’t lose more weigh, I most certainly could; but I had a quick moment of perception of myself as other people see me rather than how I see myself when im analysing every square inch of my body, my skin and my hair & makeup. It was a nice moment. Our own perceptions can become so distorted when we only focus on the parts that need improving.
Now I just have to keep up the progress! I hope you’re all reflecting on 2009 with happy thoughts and looking forward to starting fresh in 2010. Mwah. xxx
Currently sitting in the Renya Xydis salon getting my hair done. I love this salon so much, it’s the most luxurious experience and the stylists are amazing.
After this I’m skipping lunch and going shopping for christmas presents and myself then getting my nails done at 3 so hopefully I can keep myself distracted all day long.
I hope you’re all feeling stunningly beautiful today. xxx