Fading Away

a new year - a new blog

Sat, 08 Jan 2011 01:29:32 +1100

hi all - i’ve started a new blog for 2011 because i feel as though i need to start fresh in my weightloss journey….. i would love you to continue to follow me under the name minimale-est-belle.

stay strong.

A Sudden End

Tue, 23 Feb 2010 07:44:15 +1100

My friend Jon died the other night. He was only 25. His heart just stopped while he was asleep. I don’t think I really believe it yet; as though I’m going to get home from aspen & find him asleep on our couch. He was always over at my apartment, such a good person to talk to. I can’t believe I’m never going to see him again & hug him again.

On top of all of that, I’m still stuck in aspen. All I want is to be at home with my friends right now. I am trying desperately to get out of here, but ive now had 3 flights cancelled, i cant try again for 3 days because all the flights are now so busy. I’m devastaed that I can’t be there, we’ve all spoken on the phone & everyone is very upset. It’s just so important that we’re together right now & it kills me that I can’t be there to cuddle them. Particularly R, Jon has been one of his best mates since high school. I hate that I’m not there for him. Even if we’re not together, he is still one of my best friends & I will always want to be there for him.

I’ve never known anyone who has died before. I’ve never been to a funeral, I don’t think I’m going to do very well.

I hope you’re all safe & well & so are all the people you love. RIP Jon. Xx

Ok. I know I said I would start eating more; ie 600 cals per day. But it’s just not possible....

Sat, 20 Feb 2010 12:18:44 +1100

Ok. I know I said I would start eating more; ie 600 cals per day. But it’s just not possible. It makes me feel ill at the moment & I hate it.

So the new plan is to start on the new 600 cal plan when I arrive home in Syd in about 4 days because then I can put in the time at the gym so I don’t feel as fat & disgusting with a full stomach.

I know I need to do this to actually have the energy to start losing weight properly again. I will do it! As soon as I get back to Sydney.

Thank You Mother Nature

Sat, 20 Feb 2010 12:12:13 +1100

So I’m stuck in aspen… All flights out are grounded due to snow storms. I guess I just can’t get back to work… I’ll have to stay here & ski in the new powder instead. ;)

In other news, R seems to be seriously missing me, I really miss him too. He keeps texting me & fb’ing me to tell me he misses me & check when I’m coming home. I always know when he’s drunk because he texts me goodnight before he goes to sleep. It’s all just making it more difficult to believe it’s over.

I hope mother nature is being as good to each of you as she has just been to me!

Renewed Motivation

Thu, 18 Feb 2010 04:28:02 +1100

Shopping for jeans & being newly single has remotivated me to lose more weight.

I’ve also made a big decision. The most weight I’ve ever lost in my life was when I was restricting my calories, but not fasting or aiming for negative calories each day. I was eating about 800 cals each day which gave me the energy to hit the gym properly each day & I was able to stick to it. So that’s what I’m going to do again. Although I think I’ll aim for 650 cals. It’s going to suck at first because I’ll be eating a lot more food, but I do need to speed up my metabolism & find the energy to hit the gym everyday. Then the weight will actually start to fall off at a much faster pace. It will be worth it.

I don’t know how my body is going to react to getting so much more food, or how I will deal without that amazing empty feeling, but I need to make the change for long term results & stay strong. I just hope to god I don’t gain weight.

Too Fat to look Good in Jeans

Tue, 16 Feb 2010 09:24:59 +1100

I loathe shopping for jeans. More than anything in the whole word I hate jean’s shopping. There is no other form of shopping that makes me feel so fat or depressed. ARGH!

I went shopping for jeans yesterday; I hated it. I’m so disgustingly fat. It has given me a massive kick in the ass to lose more weight. Particularly now that I’m single again.

Starve on lovelies. xx

Valentines Day without a Valentine

Mon, 15 Feb 2010 02:20:00 +1100

I miss him. In order to distract myself I bought my own valentines day present - a very large collection of new designer lingere from net-a-porter.com I love that website; it is without doubt the best internet shopping in existence.

R did send me a valentines day text message, but I don’t really know why. It makes me feel like it’s not over. I honestly think he has no idea what he wants, I know he’s missing me a lot while i’m in the states.

It’s so difficult not to just think I’m on holidays & it will all be the same when I get home. I have to keep reminding myself it’s really over.

Stay strong my lovelies. xxx

"I’ll eat when I get there; i’m not there yet."

Sun, 14 Feb 2010 01:28:02 +1100

“I’ll eat when I get there; i’m not there yet.”

A Surprise From Back Home

Wed, 10 Feb 2010 12:53:43 +1100

So I’m currently in Aspen for a few weeks skiing & last night I received a text from R who’s back home in Sydney saying that I should go to 501 East Cooper Avenue and talk to someone named Amir who had a little surprise for me.

So I get to 501 and it’s the Ralph Lauren store, and I ask for Amir who tells me R wanted to buy me a present and that I should pick out something that I like and it will all be taken care of!! It was so sweet. I rang R & he said he wanted me to pick out something that I loved in the store, because he wanted me to have something special.

I was like a little kid in a candy shop; I love Ralph Lauren. Anyway I settled on one of the new little hoodies in the RLX range because it was quite cheap & I felt a bit uncomfortable spending his money & a hoodie is something I’m likely to wear around the apartment a lot so he’ll think I really love it because I’m wearing it all the time! There’s no nicer feeling than seeing someone you care about wearing an item that you bought for them.

It’s so difficult to get over the fact that it’s over between us when he’s being so sweet to me. He knows how upset i’ve been & I think he’s just trying to cheer me up a bit, but it makes me miss him.

This does make make the little present I sent him just before I left look a bit small. I sent him a big pack of golfing pranks full of golf balls that explode in the air or vanish when u hit them or turn into streamers, I thought it would help keep him and his best mates amused while I was gone. I know he loved the present, but it’s certainly not Ralph Lauren! Although maybe to him it’s better.

I hope u each receive little surprises from the people you love. Everyone deserves the occasional surprise! xx

Ok. So my fast broke at 5 days after R noticed that and hadn’t eaten anything and cooked me...

Sun, 07 Feb 2010 08:00:14 +1100

Ok. So my fast broke at 5 days after R noticed that and hadn’t eaten anything and cooked me some soup for dinner. Since then I’ve been very good about eating only when people are watching, but I’m still not eating a lot.

I’m currently in aspen with the family which is nice, I know a lot of people have issues with their families or whatever, but I don’t. I love spending time with them and I always enjoy our family ski holidays. The downside is we’re all together in our apartment so we’ll be eating together for almost every meal & going out most nights for dinner, that should make things challenging. I’m going to focus on keeping portion sizes really tiny.

I arrived here last night, everytime I come I am amazed at how beatuiful this place is. It’s stunning & currently magical because it’s snowing! Being here is helping me forget about R for a bit which is a good thing. We had a chat before I left and I feel a bit better about everything, he seems very confused and upset about what he wants. He found out a few weeks ago that his parents are deciding to separate so he’s just a bit lost at the moment. I want to be there for his as a friend at the very least.

I hope you’re all wonderful and feeling a bit happier about life than I am at the moment. Remember, it always works out and there’s always another love around the corner even when your absolutely certain of the opposite, it just wasn’t meant to be. xxxxxx

Grey-out.

Sun, 31 Jan 2010 17:15:28 +1100

I just greyed out. It’s been a long time since I’ve had it happen. You know the feeling where all of a sudden u feel really light headed and then it all starts to fade in black as though your about to faint, but the black never quite reaches the centre…. I crouched on the floor and it went off. Now drinking a sugar free red bull to perk myself up. 12 cal, but that’s ok because I burnt 350 @ the gym this morning so my intake is still negative.

The gym was good for me this morning, I just pushed myself until I forgot about everything, including R. I came home and cried in the shower, but it has perked me up a bit - endorphins are so important.

One of the fb girls mentioned to mwe this morning that she does the same thing as me, when something goes wrong the instinct is to stop eating. I hadn’t really thought about it until she said it, but that is exactly what I do. As though not eating will help to fix the situation, it certainly makes me feel better. My hunger pains have been a source of comfort the past few days, that’s probably not a good association. :(

Easiest Fast in history is Heartbreak

Sat, 30 Jan 2010 20:03:28 +1100

Ha. The only upside to having my heart broken is that this is the easiest fast of my life. I haven’t eaten for 58 hours and I’m not the slightest bit hungry. Plus, the girls who came rushing to my side are being ultra sweet and aren’t even bugging me to eat. Of course I can’t stop crying and I feel like shit, but I might come out of all this feeling better if I loose a few kg’s.

Heart-break = weightloss

Fri, 29 Jan 2010 15:56:01 +1100

R and I broke up. I can’t stop crying. I look like shit and feel worse. The only good news is that I have absolutely no appetite, my stomach is grumbling and I don’t care. The idea of food makes me sick.

A Moment of Self-Love

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 11:21:06 +1100

I was just sitting at work, bored as hell and decided to have a quick flick through this years worth of photos on fb (on my true fb account) and I had an amazing moment of self love. I must admit im a very fussy person about the few photos that I leave tagged on fb (10% or so), but I still went through about 300 photos of myself across all sorts of social events throughout 2009 in which im really happy with the way that I look. I have without question lost a lot of weight since the beginning of the year, and I look so happy and gorgeous in all the photos with different friends.

That’s not at all to say that I think I look perfect or couldn’t lose more weigh, I most certainly could; but I had a quick moment of perception of myself as other people see me rather than how I see myself when im analysing every square inch of my body, my skin and my hair & makeup. It was a nice moment. Our own perceptions can become so distorted when we only focus on the parts that need improving.

Now I just have to keep up the progress! I hope you’re all reflecting on 2009 with happy thoughts and looking forward to starting fresh in 2010. Mwah. xxx

Currently sitting in the Renya Xydis salon getting my hair done. I love this salon so much,...

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 10:25:41 +1100

Currently sitting in the Renya Xydis salon getting my hair done. I love this salon so much, it’s the most luxurious experience and the stylists are amazing.

After this I’m skipping lunch and going shopping for christmas presents and myself then getting my nails done at 3 so hopefully I can keep myself distracted all day long.

I hope you’re all feeling stunningly beautiful today. xxx

So skinny, so graceful, so elegant.

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 10:41:09 +1100

I was at the ballet again last night, saw sleeping beauty. The ballerinas are so skinny and gorgeous and graceful and elegant. Have u ever noticed how only stick thin girls who look like they will break if u touch them are graceful and elegant. There’s nothing graceful about fat.

I want to be graceful. I need to be skinny.

Tis the Season to be Skinny

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 16:53:52 +1100

My beautiful fresh Christmas tree was delivered on sat. I know its a bit early to put my tree up, but I wont be in my apartment in the city for Christmas – ill be on the estate with my parents, so I though it would be nice to have it here looking beautiful for the next few weeks – its ok if its a bit limp by Christmas, because no one will be here. I have a slight obsession with Christmas tree ornaments – I went a little crazy a few weeks ago buying stunning glass, hand painted ornaments. My tree looks sensational, I adore it. I’m trying desperately not to think about how much the whole thing has cost me – I just want to enjoy it. I’m also ignoring R every time he points out exactly how much it cost and what else I could have spent the money on…. Doesn’t matter – nothing compares to a real tree.

Because my family is Swedish there are some very strong Christmas season traditions which I’ve been raised with, and which I like to continue – unfortunately quite a few of them involve food… Pepparkakor (Pepper cakes / Ginger snaps) and Lussekatt (sweet saffron buns) are just two examples… And because I’m not in Sweden this year my relatives are out here and I will have to bake both for them. Baking is dangerous…. I tend to lick my fingers more than I would like whilst baking…

I have managed to distract myself from food today by writing all my Christmas cards – the joys of mundane tasks that require attention to detail when you’re trying to take your mind off food! I’m only sending cards to my closest friends and family this year so there is only 50 or so to write which means I can write a slightly longer message and I won’t go insane.

Stay skinny my pretties – don’t let the silly season push you off track. xx

Back into the Gym

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 10:11:09 +1100

I hit the gym Saturday with my trainer – it was an intense session – which i honestly needed, I haven’t been to the gym for over 2 weeks, I’ve had so many things on that I just haven’t been able to make it to my training session. I’ve always been one of those people who doesn’t cancel the gym. Ever. No matter what. Everything gets planned around the gym. I don’t know what’s happened in the past few weeks, but it seemed as though I just cancelled one session, and then I had to cancel another session and the next thing I know I haven’t been to a session for 2 weeks!

It felt good to get back into it. Fri night I had an exfoliation and a massage and Sat morning I had my spray tan, so having also been to the gym I feel fantastic. Rest of the weekend was fabulous – Sat night I had dinner and cocktails with the girls and then a housewarming party where I managed to drink half a bottle of Moet so I was in a very happy mood! Sunday I went out on my friends boat on the harbour – it was such a perfect day sitting in the sunshine chatting and catching up – seafood barbeque for lunch, but I managed to only eat a few prawns by feigning sea sickness.

If I’m going to avoid gaining weight over silly season, I’m going to have to be very good about going to the gym every day… because avoiding social events is just not an option.

I hope you’re all loving life. xx

Perfect Ballerinas

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 09:27:00 +1100

I wish I had stuck at ballet when I was a young. I gave it up so that I could focus my attention on figure skating – which I love more than anything in the world, and I would make that same decision again, but I wish I could dance as well! I was at the Australian Ballet last night – the dancers are just the most amazing people – they have such tiny figures, and yet they’re so strong and wonderfully graceful & elegant. I love ballerinas.

The performance (Concord) was absolutely beautiful, it took my breath away. I managed to ‘run late’ from work yesterday so I missed the pre-performance dinner with friends (whoops). I was slightly disappointed because we were eating at one of my favourite restaurants – but that was exactly why I had to avoid it. As it was I had a glass of champagne at interval so that filled me up.

Ballet thinspo – a special tribute to all the beautiful, talented and graceful ballerinas in the world – we must strive to be more like you. xx

Silly Season

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 09:49:00 +1100

I have been such a busy little chickie recently – its been BEYOND ages since I last blogged. This is partly due to not finding the time, but also out of embarrassment – I have been hopeless recently with my weightloss…. I haven’t gained (thank god) but I most certainly haven’t lost anything.

I know this sounds like the worst excuse ever – but it’s just damn impossible to try and lose weight at this time of year! (excuses excuses – I know). It all because of silly season. Silly season is what I like to call the period of time between Melbourne cup (Nov 3rd) and Australia day (Jan 26). This is when people start winding down into the end of the year & christmas, the social calendar packs out, alcohol flows like waterfalls and people go a little bit loopy for 85 days. So yes – I admit, I have been partying and going out wayyy too much – there’s just been far too many things on.

I was at Polo in the City on Saturday, it was such a fabulous day, I loved it. Beautiful people in beautiful clothes sipping champagne and watching the game. I had a stunning new dress – a deep blue silk French design with a tiny bit of black lace trim – I collected quite a few compliments on it over the course of the day ;)

Sat night I had an engagement party for 2 of my friends – R’s most recent ex g/f was there and she was shooting me daggers all night. However the funny thing is, I’m sugar sweet to her – which means she has absolutely no idea what to do with me. Because I’m being so nice to her and he’s there all she can do is be polite… at the very least it makes for civilised encounters. I hate to cause a scene, so im happy to see she’s been playing along. Anyway – I watched her consume enough food at the party for 3 people, although its infuriating because she’s one of those girls who eats anything and everything and still weighs (literally) 50kg. She has the tiniest frame ever… im not going to lie… it kills me… I wish I was like that.

I’m going to a new beauty salon these days – I switched after I moved apartments, because it’s a 60 second walk to get there, and its AMAZING. It is more expensive than my old place, but the girls are so lovely, and the place is divine and the treatments are sensational. So 3 weeks ago, I decided that heading into summer I have to start getting my tan sorted out, so I’m back into the regular spray tan. Before you judge me for fake tanning – I live in Aus – if I want to look half decent by middle age & avoid skin cancer then I cant lie on the beach in the sun to get tanned – we don’t have an ozone layer here. Plus – the tanning formula they use is perfect, it looks 100% natural and because I make sure I get it re-done every 7 days no one ever suspects its fake! It takes maintenance, but its so worth it!

Here is some fake tan thinspo – remember brown fat looks so much better than white fat. I promise to start blogging more regularly! I love you all, I hope you’ve been well & that you’re loving silly season.